Today in my quiet time I have been asking God about the state of my heart. It's been a "search me Oh God" kind of day. These days feel scary and good. I hate the feeling when my weaknesses are revealed, but this is the moment when the Father feels the most gentle with me. He loves me today and yet He loves me too much to leave me the way I am.
I am caught by 1 Corinthians 10:14, which says: "Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry." Flee...run...sever...these words are drastic. There is no room for lingering around idolatry, anything that has a greater throne than God in your life. I have big dreams in my heart. A few of them take up the majority of my thought life and imagination. I anticipate the fulfillment of these desires. I dream about them, think about them. Sometimes I can get so caught up in dreaming, that I waste the time I have in reality right now. It is often that my dreams consume more of my thoughts and dreams than my meditation on Jesus. It gets really muddled because I need God to fulfill my desires...they are too big for me, and so He is involved in them. I talk about them with Him. He is included. But there are more moments than I care to admit where my dreams take center stage in my life over Him. The Fulfiller takes back seat to the fulfillment.
The Holy Spirit brought this to my attention today. I do not like that I do this. I want to be able to say of myself that no matter what I have or don't have, God is all that is wanted. I'm content with Him and Him alone. I am not there, yet. As God searched my heart today, I realized that as much as I want Him to fulfill His promises in my life, I am very afraid of Him doing that at the same time. What if He gives me my dreams, and instead of remaining faithful to Him, I turn my attention and affections to what He's given me? Do I have what it takes within me to remain faithful to Him? Pastor John said this past Sunday that if we think we are strong enough to overcome temptation in our own strength we are deceived. I am not strong enough to remain faithful to Him and because of this I'm fearful of fulfillment, as much as I want Him to answer. And then the Holy Spirit plopped a verse in my mind...
The word "able" is the Greek word "dunamai" which means "to be capable, strong and powerful." God is capable enough, strong enough and powerful enough to keep me faithful to Him. It isn't my job...it's His. AND, Jesus keeps me faithful with "great joy". I don't know if anyone else ever worries whether they can remain faithful to God...I'm assuming there are others or God wouldn't have had those words written for us. Today, be encouraged. It is God's power, strength & ability that keeps you faithful to Him, not your striving and effort. It is not your righteous deeds, but His.
So...what is our job, then? Abide in His love. All other things are up to Him.