Yesterday morning I led worship at Redeemer. It's one of my favorite things to do while existing on this planet...definitely on my top 5 list. It was a great morning. Our congregation is such a family. It is feeling more and more that our weekly gatherings our cozy times in God's living room.
Today I've been reflecting back on what happened yesterday as I often do on Mondays. I was looking at our time of worship, seeing the faces and different outward expressions of worship that were displayed. Yesterday morning was one of those days I felt completely scattered in thought and focus. It's mornings like that I am aware and thankful that His presence comes out of His love for His people...not based on my perfection or performance.
As a worship leader/musician, there is this inward struggle that takes place of keeping my eyes on Him and what is on His heart vs. looking for instant gratification from the outward expression of worship from people to make me feel good in my role. In other words, because God has more work to do in my heart, I still struggle sometimes with gauging how I am doing as worship leader on how vibrantly people express praise outwardly (raising hands, yelling, dancing, kneeling, etc). If people are yelling and creating a raucous, I MUST be doing a good job! This is so dangerous because then it becomes all about me and my need to feel good. I realize yesterday that my thoughts were centered on looking for personal affirmation more than they were centered on magnifying (making bigger) my Father. Now...because God loves me and loves our people so much He did not withhold Himself yesterday because of my stupid mindset! Thank You, Jesus! It's because His presence isn't founded on my successful or failed performance. He just Is.
I am so thankful and needy of God's kind conviction. He only brought this to my mind to make me more like Him. He only brought this to my mind to make me a better daughter and leader. He only brought this to my mind out of love for His church. What if I served a God who left me in my current condition, with no hope of reform? I feel that I've had a few weeks now of being in a state of God's discipline. The Book of Hebrews says it is proof that He loves me. So, today I'm excited about His discipline...I'm excited about His gentle reminder that leading worship is not a job task for personal gain. And, I'm excited for His mercy that allows me the privilege to live my life to magnify Him. Today I get to start over and do it better.
God is good.