I'm in between a promise and the fulfillment in the place called process. I've been in this place called process for several years now. The longer it lasts, the more impossible the fulfillment becomes and the more difficult it is to believe that God will bring it. I would love to say that I have great faith and believe wholeheartedly He will do what He has spoken in my life. But, sadly, more often than not I find myself, like Sarah, laughing in doubt due to the circumstances that surround me. This has been one of those weeks. It has been a week filled with doubt and confusion. It has been a week where I have harbored thoughts set against His faithfulness. My mind has been allowed to conquer what I know to be true in my heart about His goodness and ability to do the impossible.
Last night, in a moment of hurt, unbelief and anger I told a friend that I feel like God has betrayed me...I don't think there is any statement more whiny than that! I fell asleep in a pout. When I woke up, God began dealing with my pouting heart. I have several amazing models in my life of what it looks like to honor others. One of the vital pieces to the honor puzzle is to only speak kind words about a person. I see this in many marriages I know....husbands and wives who refuse to complain or speak negatively about their spouse to others. This has always caught my attention as something that highly reflects the heart of God. Have you ever known Him to complain or speak a negative, demeaning word against a human being? Out of all the beings in all of creation, it seems that He would have the most to complain about! Yet...only loving kindness proceeds from His mouth.
God corrected me today. Out of love for Him, I should never complain or speak negatively about Him. If I am confused or frustrated about anything He does, out of honor for Him and His character, I should never share those things with others. I should only deal directly with Him about those things. I wonder what would happen if we took Ephesians 4:26 (Do not let the sun go down on your anger) and applied that to our relationships with God? Let's be honest...God's ways are not our ways. It happens that His ways make us angry sometimes. Why doesn't He just do things the way I want Him,too...right? Isn't this true for any intimate relationship?
So...today was just another day of correction, repentance, forgiveness and grace. I hurt Him with my mouth and His kindness towards me has, today, brought another increase in my heart to live for His pleasure and His honor. Thank You, Jesus, for Your patience, honesty and mercy. Touch the coal to my lips and fill my heart anew with honor for who You are. For out of the heart, the mouth speaks.